What Marriage Equality is Not

Source: Newsweek

Yesterday, in a historic decision, the Supreme Court determined that banning same-sex marriage was unconstitutional, consequently legalizing it throughout the country.

The reactions were... mixed.

This debate is not new to the United States nor is this an issue that will fade quietly into the night.  However, as I scrolled through my social media feeds, I was struck by how misunderstood the concept of marriage equality is.

First, to make this easy, let's answer the question: what is marriage equality?

Marriage Equality means you can't be denied a marriage license from a state based on the gender of either consenting adult or the benefits legally endowed by that license (including being honored by other states).  I can only imagine that laws will be written to reflect the language of Employment Anti-Discrimination Act.  You know, the one that outlines you can't be denied employment or be harassed based on race, creed, national origin, sex, sexual orientation or gender identity.

Simple enough.

So let's talk about what marriage equality is not...

Marriage Equality is not associated with your religion.
This inclusion requirement does not have anything to do with your church, synagogue, temple, mosque, etc.  It does not require your preacher, priest, rabbi, bishop, etc to perform or acknowledge same-sex marriage.  It does not require you to rip out pages of your Torah, Bible, Quran, etc and change your beliefs.

Marriage Equality is not associated with any religion.
Marriage Equality, as governed by the United States of America, has nothing to do with any faith or belief system.  No one is even dictating that someone must be emotionally, psychologically or spiritually "okay" with marriage equality.

What it is saying is if two people of the same gender want to get married, as defined by state laws (remember: state, not church) then they will not be denied the opportunity to file their license and consequently, have all legal rights (remember: legal, not spiritual) associated with that license.

I frequently hear the defense that marriage started with the church and thus, is a religious institution.  Then someone on the side of marriage equality will fire back with an argument about polygamy and other outdated Bible verses regarding selling your wife and eating shellfish.  This argument is never ending and honestly, I don't feel should ever be engaged in.  Your belief system is your belief system.  Congratulations to you for finding a faith in which you can invest your conviction and guide your life.  However, pay me the same respect and leave my belief system alone as well.

"But my belief system is under attack!"

Sorry to tell you, but any religious influence on the definition of Marriage Equality ended when states started accepting officiants ordained online as legally-approved officers of marriage ceremonies.  The church/synagogue/temple/mosque impact on what defines marriage got the boot a while ago.  Marriage, as legally defined, is a contract.  A legal contract that is fulfilled by checking off all the right boxes at the courthouse and paying a fee.

Again, I will reiterate, marriage as defined by your religious faith does not affect nor is effected by changing what is on that checklist or is accepted on the forms you fill out at the courthouse.  Every religion has their own requirements for marriage and the Supreme Court is keeping their hands out of that honey pot.  Continue to have your beautiful ceremonies steeped in tradition.  They are truly beautiful.  Truly.

Marriage Equality is not an attack on anyone or anything...
Marriage Equality is, simply put, legal empowerment.  Unless you're going to engage in a same-sex marriage contract, this, literally, has nothing to do with you.  It does not take anything from or contribute anything to the value of your marriage.  Stop playing the victim.  No one is telling you what to believe or feel.  If you feel societal pressure to change your believes, take that back to your faith group.

...other than States Rights.
Now, this is argument to be had.  But that's a story for another day.

The Perception of Age in History (Or History is Full of Lies)

My brother sent me an article yesterday to which he expressed blew his mind.  The moment I saw the title, I had to laugh to myself.

The article Ages of Revolution: How old were they on July 4, 1776? addresses the idea that the majority perceive the Founding Fathers to be...well, that.  Fathers.  Older, wise, patriarchal, philosophical, experienced men.  However, the "united States of America" was actually founded by fairly young men, by today's standards.  Taking into account the life expectancy of the time, most of them were middle-aged - barring Ben Franklin.  Dude lived forever.

Speaking of good ol' Ben Franklin, during one of my American Revolution classes in college, my professor did her own mind blowing along the same lines of this article.  Take a look a the picture above.  Chances are you're familiar with it.  It can be found in almost every American History textbook on the planet.  This is the moment when Ben Franklin, with his son William, took a kite out in a storm and discovered electricity.  So nice to see a younger Ben performing cool science experiments with his young son in tow.  Right?

Wrong.

Before I blow your mind, take a moment to look at that picture again.  Look closely.

Franklin's kite flying experiment occurred in 1752.
Ben was born in 1706.
William was born in 1731.
That would make them 46 and 21 respectively.

William was 21 at the time of that image.

I'll be honest... I thought he was about 12 years old.  Nope.  William was legally allowed to drink in today's world and was a mere 11 years away from being the Governor of New Jersey.

*Additional fun fact, William was a Loyalist and openly opposed his father during the American Revolution, which they did not recover from until a few years before Ben's death in 1790.

So what's the point?  History lies.  Men are glorified and vilified based on who owns the story.  Age, maturity and courage are all projections of our own perception.  The next time you read a story about one of the Founding Fathers, examine them as just men, not demi-gods, and it may reshape the way you see history.

I mean really, aside from not being old, they also were not altruistic and revolting for the "all men's rights".  They were selfish, self-serving, young men, but that's a rant for another day...

The 10 Year Reunion

In high school, I was definitely a joiner.  Any Spirit Days, clubs, school-sponsored events - you could count me in.  I showed up, decked out in school colors with a gigantic smile on my face.  Don't get me wrong - I didn't love high school, but I also didn't hate it.  I simply live by the philosophy that if I'm here I might as well participate.

However, when my 10 year high school reunion was announced, my immediate reaction was a giant pit in my stomach.  I didn't want to go.  My cynical mood kicked in.  I've stayed in touch with so many people over Facebook.  I see my close high school friends all the time.  Plus I'd have to drive back to Havasu and get a hotel because my parents don't live there anymore.  UGH!  Not to mention my recent divorce and who wants to put themselves through that questioning?!

I was going through all the reasons not to go with a friend one night and his response was pretty simple, "Yeah, but you don't know who is going to make it to the 20 year reunion.  Life happens.  Might as well see everyone now."  Pretty straightforward and somewhat morbid logic but he had an excellent point.  Done.  I decided I was going.  Although some apprehension still lingered, I coerced one of my good friends into going with me.  Tickets were purchased, hotel was booked and PTO requested.  

I'm incredibly grateful I did go.  Not only was it fun, it was exactly what I needed to feel like Jen again.  Here are my top 7 moments/memories from the reunion.

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1.  The Smell of the Football Field Grass.
I don't need to go into great detail, but we all know I've gone through a lot of changes lately.  It is easy to get lost in the chaos of such huge life changes, especially when drowning in work.  Your sense of self gets lost.  It's disjointing and disorienting and I've been trying to find a catalyst to recenter me.  All it took was the smell of grass.

When we showed up to the Homecoming football game at the high school, I took a moment to soak it all in.  The huge mass of people, the lights, the floats, the oddly small marching band.  It was so... high school.  We walked in, laughing about the spray painted shields of armor on the ground that looked like sea turtles and scanned the crowd for the special Alumni section.  A quick pause and suddenly, I was hit by the smell of the field.  The very familiar smell of half-dead, torn up, cheaply painted grass.

I spent most of my high school years on that field and the simple smell of the grass made me feel very at home.  I felt more like myself.  Sure, ten years have gone by, but at the core, I'm still who I was back then and thank goodness for grass for reminding me.

2.  Familiar Hugs.
At the bar the first night in town, we saw a lot of people.  Havasu's not a big place so we ran into everyone who decided to have a Friday night out on the town.  However, there were a few people whose hugs are so warm and familiar that they are almost healing (cheesy, I know, deal with it).  One in particular was my friend Kat Quill, who I've known since the first grade.  There was something about her hug that made everything seem happy, carefree and normal.  Part of that is her amazingly positive personality, but another part stems from that homey feeling I've been looking for.  Her hug set the pace for relaxing me for the rest of the weekend.

3.  "That one time..." Stories.
This one actually deserves subcategories.  Everyone loves reminiscing with old friends, but I'm not sure many people have stories like these.

"Your mom arrested me twice!" - Luke Hornburg  Luke didn't graduate with us, but he's married to one of my friends that did and was friends with my older brother growing up.  At the football game, upon spotting me, he decided to announce that not only did my mom arrest him twice, once was the day after he stayed the night at our house.  Usually, when approached with "Your mom arrested me/gave me a ticket" stories, I roll my eyes and ask, "Well, did you do something wrong?"  But Luke's blunt and unexpected delivery was so shocking that I couldn't help but laugh my ass off.  He then continued to tell people all weekend about it.  Outstanding.

Speaking of repeating stories:  "Jen broke up with me over email!" - Hank Lawrence  My friend Hank and I didn't really hang out a lot in high school despite the fact that our best friends dated the whole time (and are now married).  This may be attributed to the truth in his story.  Yes, I did break up with him over email when we were 14 years old.  However, he clearly got over it because we're great friends now.  Or so I thought... until he decided to tell every single person who came into the bar that I broke up with him via email.  Awesome.  Thanks, bud.

"Jen turned me gay when she turned down my marriage proposal in third grade." - Tommy Watanabe  Tommy and I did that cute third grade "Do you love me? Check Yes or No" thing back in Mr. Tebo's class.  We "kid" flirted and it was pure ridiculousness.  Tommy then proposed to me and I crushed his soul by saying no and dumping him.  Apparently, this turned him gay.  Damnit.

"Jen's mom strip searched my mom." - Tommy Watanabe (again)  This story is actually pretty incredible and is best told in Tommy's words here.

Apparently, I was best remembered for my poor break-up etiquette and my mom being a police officer.  Not too shabby...better than some of the alternatives.

4.  Scotty's Broasted Chicken.
If you're from Havasu, this needs no explanation.

For those less fortunate, it is the most delicious chicken to ever grace the surface of the planet... and I had it for lunch.

5.  Awards for Functioning Genitals. 
The reunion committee (who did a wonderful job, by the way) decided to hand out awards based on various "accomplishments", including categories such as Most Countries Visited and Furthest Traveled for the Reunion.  Oh... and Most Children.  While not given to someone with a shocking number of kids (three), they definitely opened the door for him to shout to everyone, "My junk works!"  All. Night. Long.  Yay, for your functioning genitals and their hard earned (pun intended) accomplishment, Kyle Bernabe.  Super happy for you.

6.  "I wasn't a bitch/asshole in high school!  Was I?!"
I overheard this a lot.  Being from a small town, we have very little patience for bullshit.  After ten years of people, apparently, stewing over some high school interactions, the gauntlet was thrown... HARD.  The first time I heard it was at the football game.  (Remember, that was after only being in town for two hours.)  People were coming out with guns blazing.  And it continued all through the banquet and night out at the bar.  However, this led to a lot of diffusion of awkwardness and positive mending.  Good for us being good human beings and moving forward.  A lot of maturity in ten years.  Keep it up!

7.  Denny's at 2:30AM.
The story of Hank and I ending up at Denny's at 2:30AM is the perfect illustration of Jen being Jen (read: irritating) and Hank being Hank (read: a gentleman) and us being an awesome team (kind of like Batman and Robin.... I am Batman).  First, we have to rewind to the pre-reunion.  In the presence of my parents (love you, Mom and Dad!) Hank and I drank a bottle of champagne... each.  This was sip one in a string of drinks that were consumed prior to dinner starting.  Truly, an awful and not well-thought out strategy.  At the age of 28, I should know better.

When dinner did start, everyone lined up to get food from the buffet, but I was too busy talking (shocking, I know) to even think, "Hey, I should get some food."  Hank (God bless him) not only came up to let me know dinner had started but generously made me a plate when I asked because I wanted to finish my conversation.  Such a stand up guy.  Unfortunately, I was far too inebriated to eat and only took about four bites of the salad and ate the breadstick.  Sorry for wasting your effort, Hank.

Fast forward to about seven hours later, we were being ushered out of the bar during closing when I took one look at Hank and said, "I'm hungry."  The look on his face was a cross between "No kidding!" and "Are you fucking kidding me?!"  Thankfully, instead of slapping me across the face, he responded that he was hungry too and suggested we walk to Denny's.

Now, Denny's is only about a mile from the bar we were at, but I was in horribly painful heels and was still... ahem...recovering, so I feel like this was his little bit of payback for me not eating my dinner and being somewhat irritating that evening.  Well played, sir.  At least I got my fruit and eggs, so I think it still worked out in my favor.  He still gets the award for Best Reunion Buddy Ever.

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I'm just going to throw this out here... don't be that lame person who is cynical about reunions.  I'll definitely be making an effort to attend all the ones in the future.  Nothing feels quite as good as going home.

Love you all, LHHS Class of 2004.